Monday, January 30, 2006
New place, new space to fill…us is just me but it’s the old me. There’s been a break, a wrench that threatened to rip me apart… a time at the end when fine threads like cobwebs stretched between us, pulling taut and tearing, then freefalling away. That’s what this is – freefalling. You ask me if I miss you. I don’t know what the answer is and I don’t know what the answer should be. There’s something gaping – a space left behind but its space to breathe and room to move. It’s a gap that’s waiting to be filled with something precious and exciting. I lie in my new sheets, in my new place and I wonder if it was lonelier lying beside you than it is being without you. Even when I reach across and feel the cool smoothness where the curve of your shoulder used to be I know that this new space will give me the room I need to grow into myself again.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
So how do you know when it’s time to stop trying? When is loving someone just not quite enough? All I needed was to turn you on, to tussle and tumble and scramble amongst the bedsheets, to sleep from exhaustion and not as a means to escape and I wanted to fix everything, like I always have… I don’t fail and I don’t fuck up and you made me unable and you made me incapable. Do you know what made the teeniest, tiniest difference and made me wonder if things could feel better? You kissed me on the wobbly bridge and I remembered what it was like to be wanted. I asked you to show me and you didn’t shift to avoid my eye. My question didn’t stick in my throat, it didn’t tighten like a gag and it didn’t threaten to choke us and drag us further inside ourselves. You took me up on my simple offer and it felt like the lingering promise of something better with you, and something that would help me fix myself and if the new year offers only the briefest hint of that, I’ll be touching happy….